success and its attributes

So I've been connecting with ppl I knew in elementary and middle school on Facebook. Never a good idea, I really should know better.

But it doesn't matter really who you connect with. It's always about competition, comparisons, who's winning.

In spite of many of my goals circling the drain, I've never considered the state of my life to be one of failure. The medical system in my country has failed me (not the USA, incidentally). My family has failed me. Many of my friends have failed me. My body has failed me. But I have not failed.

My go-to publication Salon.com published an article by a veterinarian in California who lost enough of her income that she and her family (three kids) had to give up their house in a nice suburb. Yet another house collecting dust somewhere as a casualty of this recession.

At the risk of sounding self-righteous and patronizing, the lessons that Generation X'ers are learning about the loss of their 'stuff' as a result of this recession, I figured out about 2o years ago when I realized that I might be sick enough, long enough, to forego any chance of earning a reasonable income AND not be sick enough to get a disability pension. When everyone in my age group did not 'get' that this was a reality, I realized that I was truly fucked.

So when I could work, and I could get some 'stuff' I loved it. I held onto it. This weekend I went on a camping trip in which I was housed by a 20 year old tent that still keeps me completely dry in a rain storm. But because I earned the letters after my name with financial support that many don't have, this success is dismissed. Because my nearby peers are now raising kids and buying houses instead of cherishing their first tent, I'm seen as pathetic. I know that I get some points for the sweat that it took to work through sickness, but I can't share it with anyone because if word gets out, I'll be unemployable.

Right now, I'm struggling to keep a job. I changed careers and work with ppl who are NOT exactly socially literate or compassionate in the face of someone who is struggling. My cognitive problems (while manageable, and don't affect my performance) now affect how I can 'fit in' to an organization, whereas before I could 'out' myself as having learning difficulties and be admired for my ability to compensate. I'm also getting older, so I should have accomplished more by now (middle management, at least). But after my career change (I needed a job less prone to burnout), I have been ousted from jobs three times, only to be replaced by someone who probably a) doesn't work as hard as I do b) doesn't appreciate what they have as much as I do and c) doesn't understand health care as much as I do (I work in the health industry).

Does this mean I have failed? I can't stayed employed, I don't have kids (couldn't raise them if I had them), I barely have a social life, I can't convince my doctors to provide the health care I need, nearly everyone who ever cared about me either a) is alienated from me or b) is using me as a competitive marker to boost their own status in life c) my sister and mother were charming addicts who have spread rumours and lies about me that have turned my family against me.

Am I attracting all of this crap into my life? I am the bottom line here right? Well hells no.

Ignorance is the bottom line here. Striving is the bottom line. Apathy. Jealousy. Did I mention ignorance?

I didn't fuck up. I have survived, I have persevered, I have been patient with the health system beyond all words and comprehension. I have landed a nice man who used to play bass in a band and can pull off horned rimmed glasses with a receding hairline. And still, I have to deal with ppl who don't have a fucking clue what I've been through, trying to fuck my life up even more.

Fortunately I got a couple of weeks off work to breathe (unpaid, of course).

and. And. AND. I have an appt. with a doctor who knows what they're doing in November.

(I know it's been said before but I'll say it again. the authors of The Secret can suck it).

still sick after all these years

Today was eventful.

Got up. Late for doctor number one's appt. (missed bus). Got lectured by doctor number one in doctor number one's office about being late and why I should listen to the specialist she sent me to who may change my meds (you know, the ones that actually make me feel better).

Uncontrollably broke down in doctor number one's office wailing 'when am I EVER going to get the health care I need?' Got note to be off work for two weeks (unpaid of course). Doctor agrees to read literature I left her and refer me to another specialist.

Same day, get call from doctor number 2 (had left desperate message with doctor number 2 a week ago to plead to be taken on as a patient and forgot about it - memory lapses are clearly a defense mechanism). Doctor number 2 actually provides care I need, meaning he prescribes dessicated thyroid for my hypothyroidism and assesses for adrenal fatigue using the cortisol salivary test (surprisingly uncommonly used in a major city in Canada).

Trying to be strong, but appointment with doctor number 2 isn't until November. Trying to figure out how to live off hubby's salary for 4 months without burning through savings too much.

Neurofeedback appt. is tomorrow, and I'm going twice a week now. Hopefully this will quickly put me back on a healing path.

I'm the only person I know who gets sicker from going on vacation because she's left her safety net, then needs to take more time off to recover from vacation.

(This has been a rank and file report). Days like this are all too common.